Attack on Life

Have you ever had spiritual warfare so bad that it just chews you up and spits you out?  These are things I've been tossing around these last couple of days.   Case in point, this morning I was at a mops meeting with some of the most amazing women I've ever met.  I love these women, they've become very close to my heart in such a short time.  I was great going in the meeting, but half way through I started what most call a panic attack.  We had to share somethings about ourselves.  At first I was great, I started thinking what I was going to say.  But the more I thought about it, the more I was getting the feeling of self doubt.  In my heart, I knew God wanted me there.  But in the back of my mind, I started to hear, "You are not wanted here, they don't want you.  Who said your good enough for this? Why are you even here? Go away. Nobody wants you."  It started eating at me and eating at me till I couldn't stand it any longer.  When the meeting was done, I got out as soon as I could and walked as fast as I could and just cried.  I started beating myself down, cause that's what I'm good at, asking myself, "Yeah Lisa, Why are you here?  I'm sure they just needed someone to fill a spot."  And after a couple min. of banter and bringing myself down. I started to sing,

 You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up: To more than I can be.

I started feel alittle bit better.  I picked up Nicholas with alittle bit more zip than what I had about 5 mins. before. On and on it went today with the back and forth banter that's it's been a very hard day, spiritally and emotionally.  I get to the point where I allow the evil one to put me in such a cornor that panic soon follows and I soon begin to believe the lies that are whispered in my ear, alittle to often as of late. 

I've come to a conclusion to why I've been feeling like I've been getting more attacked than before.  I have just recently started to put peace in a place that I haven't allowed to touch in for about 15 years. It's something I knew I had to do.  It was eating away at me and I knew deep down in my heart that if I wanted to move on in my spiritual growth that I had to truly learn the phrase "forgive and forget."  Those words are very important words.  How do you teach that phrase to your kids, if you yourself won't practice it.  Demonstrating to them how to love one another and not hold something over someone else's head and heart.  If I was truly, truly going to grow in life, in love, and in spirit, I needed to look into my own heart and stop hiding from the dark cornors that where slowly taking over all the places of my heart.  I know I need to keep fighting and keep moving.  This old girl isn't ready to give up.